Chaos is actually an understatement for what life becomes when you lose a loved one. You have no sense of reality, no desire to function and honestly, you lose the will to live. This might just seem like a passing phase for the ones around you but they will never be able to truly grasp you, while you are losing yourself at every stage.
When I lost my mother, all this was just the tip of the iceberg, so much more pain, grief, anger, sadness, frustration was inside me, and a huge chunk of it still is. No single piece of fragment in you is ever ready to lose a parent, no matter what age you are – you always need your mother. Never in my worst nightmare did I ever think I would live one day without my Amma, without listening to her reassuring voice, without knowing she is always there just a call or a flight journey away to make things alright, no matter how complicated the situation is. She was my backbone and when she passed away so suddenly I was unable to stand, literally.Absolute mayhem is what resulted in my life after she left me so suddenly.
No one who has ever lost a loved one at any point warns you about how you are going to spend every moment in the shower drowning away in your tears, weeping into your pillows – I stand testament to the fact pillows are you most trusted allays to soak in all your sadness and still be oddly comforting to lay on.
No one understands how long it truly takes you to think about anything other than the huge vacuum in your heart, and the angel who had left it behind. The world would move on, and everyone will seem to be having happy days, while you gaze at the world like an alien who has forgotten how to live. My mind was so appalled on seeing everyone happy and carefree, I felt it was unfair that I had to lose my Amma when everyone else got to keep their mothers, including my own mother who had her mother for most part of her life.
This constant battle is something I face everyday, learning to make sense of this chaos, finding the strength within me to wake up and face another day, while I would much rather not. Some days might seem okay, other days I am just unable to function, even the smallest trigger can push me back to square one, and some days are just like a constant battle with negative thoughts and panic attacks. So for all those people who say ‘time heals everything’ have no idea what they are saying. This chaotic frame of mind is what I have to deal with, emotions ranging from anger to pain to sadness to grief to betrayal.
Verbose 